It has been forever and a day since I last blogged. The unbloggable situation that I was unable to write about was my AP position being eliminated from the church budget. I've done a good job, the congregation appreciated my ministry whereas Senior Pastor was very critical of my ministry. I realize that it was more out of a sense of insecurity on his part.
These last few months have been hell. Since the announcement was made three months ago that my ministry will be ending it has been the long goodbye. Hearing from congregants how much they love me and loved my ministry and that they will miss me so much. I had no idea that an AP could have so much impact on the ministry of the church.
The hardest part was being graceful as I left. I wanted to shout from the rooftops how unfairly I was treated, especially by the SP and by the church leadership as we negotiated my severance package, but I knew in the end that it would only make me look bad if I vented my frustration in the end. Instead I validated the feelings of grief that were present, I wrote a very gracious letter of resignation and final article by the AP in the newsletter that told them how much they meant to me and I preached a final sermon that affirmed that my particular ministry will go on even if I am not leading it. Boy am I exhausted.
I am on vacation at my hometown now. Yesterday I had lunch with my mom and she asked me what are you going to do tomorrow (Sunday morning). And I said, "Well Mom, I'm an out of work pastor so the last place I'd wanna be on a Sunday morning is at church. Perhaps I should go to a casino and drink and watch strippers. You wanna come with." She laughed and said that I really can't afford to go to a casino right now." So instead I am sitting in one of my haunts, a coffee house I used to hang out in when I lived here.
I wonder what the future will bring for me. I miss being a pastor, I miss my people, I miss the rough and tumble of ministry. I can't wait to step up to a pulpit again. I am scared to death, scared I won't get a call because I've only served one pastorate which ended abruptly, scared because I am a woman with a female partner and there are a number of churches who wouldn't want to hire someone of my sexual orientation.
In these last few months I have been blessed with so much support, both online and face to face. I've also been blessed with savings and temporary job opportunities to carry me through this transition. In a way this feels like a sabbatical to recharge and perhaps reorient.
Oh God, I'm standing in the need of your strength. Pour your love and healing touch upon me. Heal my broken heart. Give me the strength to hope again.
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
This too shall pass
Life has been well...unbloggable. I've had a lot going on at my church and it's been rough. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I see a glimmer, but than it fades. As I was driving home from work this song was playing on my CD player. I truly believe that it was God speaking to me.
Here's the words if you can't watch the video
This Too Shall Pass - India Arie
I've achieved so much in life,
but I'm an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt
My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears
Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass
The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs
My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel
is when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass
All of a sudden I realized that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light
this too shall pass...
I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper
I hear my angels whisper this too shall pass
Here's the words if you can't watch the video
This Too Shall Pass - India Arie
I've achieved so much in life,
but I'm an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt
My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears
Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass
The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs
My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel
is when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass
All of a sudden I realized that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light
this too shall pass...
I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper
I hear my angels whisper this too shall pass
Monday, April 28, 2008
Coming home again.
I am writing this blog from my hometown in the midwest.
I've been reflecting a lot on joy, love and the church since I came back from the BE. On the cruise ship I experienced church in it's purest form. A group of people of faith, gathered in community to share our faith and to carry each other. I thought about that a lot while I was at a conference in my hometown and the church that I first felt the presence of God through a community of faith. It was a predominantly GLBT UCC church and I was a part of the membership several years ago.
When I started going to this church I came as a broken person, struggling with the end of a relationship and issues of coming out. There was a small group of people at the church who took me under their wings, cared for me and lifted me up through the difficult times. They loved me because I was me. At the time I didn't appreciate the gifts they had given me. Instead when I got in a better place I tried to climb the social ladder of church and buddy up with the inner circle and the pastor (who was very much into only caring for the people of the inner circle). The harder I tried to get into the inner circle, the harder they would push me out. In the process I ended up alienating my friends on the fringe because I didn't appreciate them enough.
My pastor and I had a conflictual relationship and I ended up leaving that church because of this relationship had gone badly. I couldn't bring myself to darken the door of the church because I was so angry at the pastor and the inner circle for rejecting me. I tried to keep intouch with my friends in the fringe, but it was painful because they reminded me of the bad feelings I had towards this church. Eventually this pastor left the church and the inner circle left with her. She left due to clergy sexual misconduct which included some of the inner circle, no need to go into details but it almost destroyed the church. However, like a phoenix out of the fire, this church survived.
After seven years of being away from this community, yesterday the Holy Spirit led me back to this church to worship. The place where I came home to God, the place where I discovered that a roomful of GLBT can gather to worship God. It was an awesome experience. Many of the people from my fringe group were still there, working hard to keep the church going and loving each other through the process. I felt joy, I felt love and most of all I felt forgiveness. The forgiveness that came from me and the forgiveness that came to me. Our God is surely a good God, and everyday I find that grace abounds. Amen!
I've been reflecting a lot on joy, love and the church since I came back from the BE. On the cruise ship I experienced church in it's purest form. A group of people of faith, gathered in community to share our faith and to carry each other. I thought about that a lot while I was at a conference in my hometown and the church that I first felt the presence of God through a community of faith. It was a predominantly GLBT UCC church and I was a part of the membership several years ago.
When I started going to this church I came as a broken person, struggling with the end of a relationship and issues of coming out. There was a small group of people at the church who took me under their wings, cared for me and lifted me up through the difficult times. They loved me because I was me. At the time I didn't appreciate the gifts they had given me. Instead when I got in a better place I tried to climb the social ladder of church and buddy up with the inner circle and the pastor (who was very much into only caring for the people of the inner circle). The harder I tried to get into the inner circle, the harder they would push me out. In the process I ended up alienating my friends on the fringe because I didn't appreciate them enough.
My pastor and I had a conflictual relationship and I ended up leaving that church because of this relationship had gone badly. I couldn't bring myself to darken the door of the church because I was so angry at the pastor and the inner circle for rejecting me. I tried to keep intouch with my friends in the fringe, but it was painful because they reminded me of the bad feelings I had towards this church. Eventually this pastor left the church and the inner circle left with her. She left due to clergy sexual misconduct which included some of the inner circle, no need to go into details but it almost destroyed the church. However, like a phoenix out of the fire, this church survived.
After seven years of being away from this community, yesterday the Holy Spirit led me back to this church to worship. The place where I came home to God, the place where I discovered that a roomful of GLBT can gather to worship God. It was an awesome experience. Many of the people from my fringe group were still there, working hard to keep the church going and loving each other through the process. I felt joy, I felt love and most of all I felt forgiveness. The forgiveness that came from me and the forgiveness that came to me. Our God is surely a good God, and everyday I find that grace abounds. Amen!
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