It is done...

It has been forever and a day since I last blogged. The unbloggable situation that I was unable to write about was my AP position being eliminated from the church budget. I've done a good job, the congregation appreciated my ministry whereas Senior Pastor was very critical of my ministry. I realize that it was more out of a sense of insecurity on his part.

These last few months have been hell. Since the announcement was made three months ago that my ministry will be ending it has been the long goodbye. Hearing from congregants how much they love me and loved my ministry and that they will miss me so much. I had no idea that an AP could have so much impact on the ministry of the church.

The hardest part was being graceful as I left. I wanted to shout from the rooftops how unfairly I was treated, especially by the SP and by the church leadership as we negotiated my severance package, but I knew in the end that it would only make me look bad if I vented my frustration in the end. Instead I validated the feelings of grief that were present, I wrote a very gracious letter of resignation and final article by the AP in the newsletter that told them how much they meant to me and I preached a final sermon that affirmed that my particular ministry will go on even if I am not leading it. Boy am I exhausted.

I am on vacation at my hometown now. Yesterday I had lunch with my mom and she asked me what are you going to do tomorrow (Sunday morning). And I said, "Well Mom, I'm an out of work pastor so the last place I'd wanna be on a Sunday morning is at church. Perhaps I should go to a casino and drink and watch strippers. You wanna come with." She laughed and said that I really can't afford to go to a casino right now." So instead I am sitting in one of my haunts, a coffee house I used to hang out in when I lived here.

I wonder what the future will bring for me. I miss being a pastor, I miss my people, I miss the rough and tumble of ministry. I can't wait to step up to a pulpit again. I am scared to death, scared I won't get a call because I've only served one pastorate which ended abruptly, scared because I am a woman with a female partner and there are a number of churches who wouldn't want to hire someone of my sexual orientation.

In these last few months I have been blessed with so much support, both online and face to face. I've also been blessed with savings and temporary job opportunities to carry me through this transition. In a way this feels like a sabbatical to recharge and perhaps reorient.

Oh God, I'm standing in the need of your strength. Pour your love and healing touch upon me. Heal my broken heart. Give me the strength to hope again.